Ask yourself what lengths you would go to to furnish your college football-lovin' lifestyle. Name your firstborn child Tim Tebow, regardless of gender? Paint your long-suffering pet to match your alma mater's beloved mascot? Whatever your boundaries, be assured that Kimberly Perrin's far outstrip them. She's the Alabama woman who embezzled more than a million dollars from her office and used her ill-gotten gains to cheer for the Crimson Tide:

A federal judge today sentenced a Hoover woman to 30 months in prison for stealing more than $1 million from her employer, using the money to pay for season tickets to University of Alabama football, clothes, trips and pageant gowns.

It gets better, somehow: she doesn't have to turn herself in until May 11, meaning she'll get to see the spring game on April 17 in style. Can we take up a collection to reward the first ESPN employee to find her in the stands and land an interview?

An FBI agent testified Wednesday that Perrin went on shopping sprees for clothes. She used the money for jet skis, a BMW and trips to such places as Destin, New York and Las Vegas.

... wait a second. She gets 30 months in jail? That's two and a half years in prison for three and a half years of lifestyle, for those of you who took an early exit to the pros. This is sounding less and less like "object lesson," and more and more like "viable career plan."

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HT: Friends of the Program.
Matt Hinton is on vacation this week. Holly welcomes your adulation and veiled threats at nastinchka-at-yahoo, etc.

A South Carolina QB has been arrested on alcohol-related charges, and shockingly, it wasn't Stephen Garcia: Backup Aramis Hillary was tagged for "underage drinking and drunkenness" early Thursday morning while riding with brother CoCo, who was charged with drunk driving. (The young men's parents, Givenchy Hillary and Hugo Boss Hillary, were unavailable for comment.)

This would be a mere frustration for Gamecock fans were it not for comments from Steve Spurrier last week indicating that he'd like to see a viable QB option emerge behind Garcia:

"Stephen had a lousy bowl game, as we know, but he had a good game the month before against Clemson. But hopefully he can continue to prove it; there are some things he needs to work on. ... Stephen should be able to hold his starting position, but I think last year was the only year I’ve ever coached where I had one quarterback and no matter what he did he stayed in the game. I still believe if a guy goes bad, you’d like to have someone else to put in."

Should Hillary be removed from that mix for any length of time, the candidates for said option would be reduced to junior Zac Brindise, sophomores Andrew Clifford and Seth Strickland, and a pair of freshmen Spurrier was hoping to redshirt -- none of whom were rated higher than three stars as recruits, and none of whom have ever attempted a pass in a college game.

Of course, if the Ol' Ballcoach's disciplinary history is any guide, the "indefinite" suspension that university policy mandates for arrested student-athletes may or may not end up costing Hillary any actual playing time, assuming he was poised to receive any in the first place. But it could make for unexpected depth-chart headaches for Spurrier as he puts his stable of QBs through their paces this spring.

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Matt Hinton is on vacation this week. Inform Doug Gillett what a poor substitute he is at dougie_doodle-at-yahoo.

Assessing the fall's starting passers, in no particular order. Today: Texas sophomore Garrett Gilbert.

• Typecasting. Texas wasn't about to let just anyone replace the winningest starting QB in college history. The Longhorns wanted a precise, strong-armed field general in the Colt McCoy mold, and they found it in five-star prospect Gilbert. He led his high-school team to back-to-back state titles in 2007 and '08 and broke Graham Harrell's state record for career yardage by two yards. It looked like Gilbert was being set up for a near-perfect situation: Sign with Texas, learn from McCoy as a true freshman while getting some garbage-time reps toward the end of the Longhorns' blowout victories, then settle in for three years as the undisputed starter.

But Gilbert's path to the limelight didn't quite follow that script. He averaged only two passing attempts per game in the regular season as the 'Horns let several opponents hang around much longer than expected. And when he finally got to see meaningful action, it was on the season's biggest stage in the BCS National Championship Game after McCoy suffered a shoulder injury on the Longhorns' fifth play from scrimmage. Gilbert took every snap from there on out, and his lackluster line (15-of-40 for 186 yards, two touchdowns, four picks) doesn't adequately portray the heroics he exhibited in bringing the 'Horns back within three points in the fourth quarter against the nation's No. 2 defense.

With that grueling trial by fire behind him, the keys to the Texas offense are now Gilbert's alone. Sounds weird to say, but "it only gets easier from here, kid" might actually be a true statement in this case. Filling the shoes of one of the most accurate passers in recent memory, of course, will require Gilbert to improve that 45.5-percent completion rate, but that task will almost certainly be a lot easier without Nick Saban staring him down from the opposite sideline.

• At his best ... Against Alabama's top-10 pass defense, Gilbert completed touchdown strikes of 28 and 44 yards (complemented by a 39-yard completion to Marquise Goodwin on the Longhorns' first drive of the second half), so there's evidence that Gilbert may actually be better with the long ball than his predecessor. He won't be able to throw any of them to Jordan Shipley this season, of course, but everyone south of Shipley on the Longhorns' 2009 receiving stats list returns, including rising junior Malcolm Williams -- a big, blazingly quick target who already has two years of solid experience under his belt -- and seniors James Kirkendoll and John Chiles.

It's worth noting, too, that Texas offensive coordinator Greg Davis didn't revert to a hyperconservative game plan just because McCoy had been knocked out of the game. Davis did establish a fairly predictable pattern over the Longhorns' first few possessions, but he then opened up the playbook to include some play-action looks and deep passes, and Gilbert got comfortable with it surprisingly quickly: After a first half in which Gilbert completed two passes to Alabama's secondary and only one to his own receivers, he started the second half 14-of-26 with two long TDs, generally reading the defense well and evading Alabama's QB pressure right up until the Eryk Anders sack that forced a fumble and marked the beginning of the end for the Longhorns' chances. If the national championship game is an indication of how well Gilbert has already absorbed the playbook, the leadership void left by McCoy's graduation may be much briefer than anyone anticipated.

• At his worst ... One of the excuses made for Gilbert's struggles in Pasadena -- and a valid one, if you saw the game -- is that the offensive line had an uncharacteristically poor night, missing numerous blocks and putting the offense in deep holes due to penalties. That may well be, but it's a problem that's unlikely to get magically solved in 2010: Linemen Chris Hall, Charlie Tanner, and Adam Ulatoski are graduating, meaning the Longhorn front will go from one of the Big 12's most experienced to one of its biggest question marks in the span of a single offseason. If the line can't get stabilized this summer -- particularly at the left-tackle position, which at this point looks to be filled either by one of Mack Brown's '09 recruits or by converting RT Kyle Hix -- then Gilbert will spend much of 2010 looking less like the field general who gained confidence in the second half of the title game and more like the true freshman who spent most of his time looking helpless in the first.

He'll also need a lot more help from the running game, which was supposed to bounce back last season from a frustrating 2008; instead, the top four running backs totaled just 1,399 yards and, other than Tre' Newton, were little more than afterthoughts in the national-title game. Gilbert showed surprising mobility for his size as a high-school QB, but running is a burden his coaches would just as soon not place on him in his first campaign as the starter. If he ends up with as many carries as Colt McCoy had over the last couple seasons, it's safe to say something didn't quite go according to plan.

• What to expect in '10. For several seasons now we've gotten accustomed to the concept of the Big 12 South as a hotbed of sizzling passing attacks; things are going to look quite a bit different in 2010. Of the division's top four finishers in 2009, three will be breaking in new starting quarterbacks this year, and the fourth, Texas Tech, has undergone a coaching change that nobody seriously believes the beloved "Air Raid" passing attack will survive intact. (Your terrifying thought for the day: Baylor and Texas A&M are now the South Division's standard-bearers in terms of proven experience under center.)

So with all that in mind, Texas isn't in nearly as bad a position as they ought to be for a team that's waving goodbye to the NCAA's all-time career wins record-holder. Gilbert arguably has the most raw talent of the division's three new starting signal-callers, and one of the more dangerous receiving corps to boot. What he doesn't have, at the moment, is confidence in his blind-side protection or a dominant running game, and one of those things is going to have to change for Gilbert to fulfill the promise he exhibited in the stirring comeback attempt against the Crimson Tide. If at least one of them does get resolved, however, then with the Big 12 South's defenses also in a bit of a state of flux, Longhorn fans can start cranking up their optimism that Gilbert might be the man to lead them back to the conference-title game and a BCS berth.

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Previously: Scott Tolzien (Wisconsin), Landry Jones (Oklahoma).

Matt Hinton is on vacation this week. Inform Doug Gillett what a poor substitute he is at dougie_doodle-at-yahoo.

Making the morning rounds.

• Duck denouement, incoming. After being excoriated by more excitable members of the Oregon fourth estate for not banishing Jeremiah Masoli and LaMichael James immediately, Chip Kelly's decision on their future as Ducks will be announced Friday, presumably after both have made their scheduled court appearances. The Wiz has a roundup of local media reactions, including a look at Masoli's past criminal indiscretions and predictions on how this will shuffle the Ducks' conference-championship lineup for the 2010 season. [The Wiz]

• Imagine what he could do healthy. No, don't. The country's best linebacker had a rough outing at Bama's pro day, but not the kind you'd expect:

Linebacker Rolando McClain ran the 40-yard dash in 4.6 seconds, but when running an agility drill, he became ill. He later disclosed that he has battled Crohn's Disease since his freshman year in high school. It's an inflammatory disease of the intestines. McClain said he treats it with medication. ... McClain also disclosed that he has suffered from a hamstring injury since the Oct. 24 Tennessee game, an injury that his teammates did not know about.

We're not medical professionals of any sort, so far be it from us to dictate how this should affect McClain's career, but ... look at what this guy accomplished, and think about the fact that he made All-American at less than full speed. [Al.com]

• Hasn't he had enough practice running the score up? Wonderlic scores are leaking, if you care about that sort of thing, and Tim Tebow scored a 22, which is slightly below average for a quarterback and clearly indicative that Urban Meyer didn't properly prepare his trophy student to fill out those little bubbles with a #2 pencil. This year's smartypants is Sam Bradford, who notched 36 points out of a possible 50. [Shutdown Corner]

• Although we're sure the other undrafted free agents appreciate his poise. I confess I saw this headline and thought it was nice that Sean Glennon had finally come into his own a year and a half after leaving school, but no: it's North Carolina State sophomore Mike Glennon earning accolades from his coaches. [Rivals]

• That "Long-as-you-ignore-me-you're-the-only-thing-that-matters" feeling. That coquette Notre Dame's given the Big Ten the cold shoulder once too often, and according to a nebulous source, the conference is feeling a wee bit petulant when it comes to expansion talks:

A source within the Big Ten told the Tribune last month that given what transpired in 2003, when Notre Dame all but accepted an invitation to join the Big Ten before pulling back, "the only way they will be offered is if they first accept. The Big Ten went down that road and got burned. Fool me once, fool me twice."

In other words, the Big Ten will not court Notre Dame. The Irish would have to do the romancing. Or at least set up the first date.

Yeah, this won't get ridiculous at all. [Chicago Tribune]

Quickly: Wisconsin loses star running back John Clay, who's getting surgery on both ankles, for spring practice. ... Oregon State's Casey Kjos is calling it a career. ... Former Sooner Mike Balogun is suing the NCAA, which (just a hunch) may not affect is draft stock in the way he's hoping. ... Dabo Swinney wants Clemson to play an exhibition game. ... No more room at the inn for baby 'Canes. ... Penn State's spring game "only" rates ESPN2 coverage.  ... And Arizona State's gonna run the Air Raid, which is nice, because lord knows Texas Tech won't be using it.

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Matt Hinton is on vacation this week. Holly welcomes your adulation and veiled threats at nastinchka-at-yahoo, etc.

Don't look now, but stuff just got real in Eugene: Oregon's starting quarterback, Jeremiah Masoli, and former wide receiver Garrett Embry were formally charged earlier today with a January burglary at UO's Sigma Epsilon house. Both players will appear before the Lane County Circuit Court on Friday afternoon.

Interestingly enough, teammate LaMichael James will be in the same courtroom that morning to change his plea on domestic-violence charges from "not guilty" to "no contest," part of a deal that is said to include "a batterer's intervention program" but also a return to his regular responsibilities with the Oregon football team. At this point, though, it's anyone's guess whether Masoli will have a shot at the same opportunity.

The charges against Masoli are just the latest in a hugely embarrassing string of offseason misdeeds attributed to UO players, ranging from disorderly conduct and DUI to robbery and assault; head coach Chip Kelly has already taken quite a bit of heat for LeGarrette Blount after the running back punched a Boise State player at the end of the Ducks' 2009 opener, then for not disciplining James in any notable way following his assault charges. Depending on how long Masoli's trial drags on, Kelly may or may not want endure the certain media furor over having an alleged felon on the field, even if he's only taking practice reps.

Neither the district attorney's office nor the Oregon athletic department had any further comment on the charges; we'll follow the arraignment on Friday and see what happens.

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Matt Hinton is on vacation this week. Inform Doug Gillett what a poor substitute he is at dougie_doodle-at-yahoo.